The End....

Well, I got another BFN. That is the end of the road for now. I just don't want pity or to be felt sorry for. I am trying to move on from all of this and if people constantly feel sorry for me, it makes things more difficult.

I have to believe that this is NOT definitively the end of the road for our dreams of having a child. It is just a time to stop, relax, and live life until God sees fit to allow us to have a child.

I am moving on from this right now and I can only hope that people will support me in this.

The Babies Video...

The Torture Chair...

Just wanted to show you guys this chair that they use for the procedures at my clinic. It is quite interesting to get into and feels like you are being tortured. Makes taking pictures of anything a little weird because your business is their flashing everyone in the face, LOL.

Third Times A Charm Or Three Strikes We Are Out?

Today was our last transfer. Not only because we are completely tapped out, emotionally, physically, and definitely financially, but also because we are out of snowbabies. Yep, they had to thaw all 5 that we had left. One did not make it right away and then they decided it would be best to thaw them all and take the 3 best ones. The last one just stalled at 2 cells and never continued to grow. So, they put in 3 - a 5 cell B, 4 cell A, and a 4 cell B.

I got a little nervous waiting because I am normally taken back to another room for awhile before we go back. Apparently they were doing ERs as well, so they did not get to me until an hour after my appointment time. I was sure hoping that they would not have let us come all the way there just to tell us that none made it. But finally we went back (together which was strange), and then we had to wait for the doctor. When he got there, I got in the torture chair (finally took a picture of it), and then he did the transfer. It was a lot more painful than usual, but Barry is sure he was scraping out a place for the embryos to grab hold. I am not so sure. But he showed us two spots and said that the embryos were in between those to spots. I will post a video as well.

When we left, we found out that the pharmacy was closed, so Barry gets to go back tomorrow to pick up my meds. I don't really need them til Friday, so we should be okay.

I have learned to be okay with this no matter what. We have discussed plans whether it is positive or negative. I will live with whatever God deems best for us. Is it weird to wonder, after all this time or trying, if this is really what you want anymore? I think I am so tapped out that it is hard to be excited anymore. Like Mom always says, I am completely guarding my heart. I am tired of NO. I would much rather move on and enjoy life than have to deal with NO all the time. Sometimes I feel like my life is passing me by as I stay stuck in this one place with this one goal. I don't want that either.

New Meds...Clexane

I just wanted to show my new meds. Thank goodness I do not blog about all of my meds, the list seems endless. The new med is called Clexane. In the states they call it Lovenox (or at least it does the same thing). In most people, it is used against blood clots. My doctor has told me that he wants to try it just in case I have what he called "sticky or thick" blood. So, yesterday we began a new daily injection.

Thawing Report...

Well, I had my thawing report this morning. They ended up having to thaw all 5 remaining. She said they first thawed the 3, but one did not make it, so they decided to thaw the other 2 so they could get the best possible 3. I guess she did not understand when I asked what would happen to the 4th one. She kept saying they weren't sure they would all make it til tomorrow. I am not sure how I feel about using all we had left. I have to believe it is a blessing in disguise. We won't have to pay more in storage and we won't have to worry about the shipping back to the states. We had talked about it and had said that we wanted there to be 2 left or none left. I guess we got out answer. I guess, in a way, I feel better knowing that we used all of them and did not leave them just sitting. But in a way, we went through 13 babies and who knows if we will have any good results. So we will see tomorrow what happens. FET is Wednesday at 1130 am.

Oh, did the clexane shot last night. Shot was not too bad. Used to those by now. Love prefilled syringes. These were neat because they are kind of spring loaded and when it gets to the end it snaps back into itself. I have a little bruise and lump underneath, but not too bad. We will have to wait and see how it looks after I start doing the HCG and the clexane.

Sorry I Am Behind...

Well, let me try to catch you all up:
On July 21st, we had our appointment to get started on the next cycle. Everything is the same (patches, folic acid, mini aspirin, and steroid) until FET and then I will more than likely do the HcG shots and PIO. The only difference is that they are adding another shot called Clexane. Supposedly it is used for if your blood is too thick (the docs words). I guess nothing else has worked, worth a try.
As of right now, FET is August 6
We did discuss with the doc that this will be our last one at this clinic. We will look into it more when we get back to the states next year.

God's Timing Is Perfect, But Will He Ever Think It Is My Time?

Well, I had my b/w done at 3pm here and they said to call them at 5. They all seemed so positive when I told them about the spotting.
I called them back at 5 and the lady told me that they had not gone over the test results with the doctor yet, so could I call back in 30 minutes. I begged her to tell me the results, and she finally told me that it was BFN. They did want me to call back anyway to see what the doctor had to say. When I called back, they said that it was less than 1. So NEGATIVE. I tried to ask her what could be going so wrong every time? She told me that it could be 1)that I have a problem with Barry's cells (like an allergy) - I would have thought that it would have impeded fertilization if that was the case, 2)a genetic problem (which they don't suspect), or 3)just a natural thing. They said that there is a test to find out if I am allergic to him but they said it is really expensive. So, we will have to talk with the doctor about it. I guess we will see.
Then we are getting ready to have to start the next cycle. So, as soon as my period shows up, I will get going again. I am not sure how much longer I can do this (financially, physically, or emotionally). It sure takes a major toll on me.

Dread....

That is the only emotion that I feel as we approach the date of our latest blood test to check and see if this cycle worked. I can't seem to find any other emotion to describe what I am going through. Every time I am hopeful, my hopes just get dashed in the end, so why waste it. As I sit here typing this, I am tearing up because I wish so much that I could be hopeful and get excited. Everyone keeps saying how excited they are about my blood test and how they can't wait for Monday to get here. I CAN. Sometimes I wish I could just sit inside my little bubble of ignorance and just believe that I am pregnant.
Why can't I just be normal and oops get pregnant? Most of the time I think I would be a good mother. I know Barry would be a good father. So why do we not get the chance? Little kids and druggies get pregnant all the time, but we have been trying for 7 years and nothing.
This next Friday will be our 10th anniversary and I never thought we would see it without having kids in our lives. I feel sad and horrible that I am broken and just can't do the one main thing that a woman was made to do....have kids.

No Good Feelings...

I just can't put my finger on why, but I just can't be hopeful about this anymore. From the moment we left the clinic, I kept forgetting that I was supposed to be taking it easy. Then we had the storm and its aftermath, and there was no way I could not go out on the balcony and try to see what had happened. Ever since then, I have had a very difficult time staying still. We missed the party for the 4th of July. I hated that.
I have been trying to not put any faith in this whole cycle. Even after this, I can not help but want this to work. That is the hard part. How can you hope that it works, but not have faith that it can work? That is where I am having the hardest time. I just don't want to get attached to anything. Is this wrong? I just feel like I am not as hopeful any more. I have lost that. How do I feel that again?

Take Two.....

Well, today was the FET. We have got to stop showing up so early for these appointments. We keep getting there way too early and end up sitting in the car reading for almost an hour. When we finally went in, it was not long before they called me back to the room. I remembered my book this time so I was not as bored. I was hot in there though. It was almost 90 degrees today and these buildings do not have air conditioning. Finally a little while later, I was called into the room. They went to get Barry and I got into the "torture chair." It all seemed to go so much faster this time, maybe since we knew what would happen. While we waited, they showed us the 3 they would put back. They kept saying they were beautiful (I later asked what the difference was between these and the first cycle and they told me that there was no difference). ARGH! They put them in and that was that. They gave me the new protocol for the 2WW and I went to the recovery room again and had to wait 20 minutes. While I was waiting, the lady came in and told me about different meds I needed. Turns out that I have to do an HCG shot for a couple days so that the pregnancy hormone is in my body like it would be naturally. Confused, but okay. And I have to do the progesterone shot again. Other than that, everything is pretty much the same as before. We only have 5 left because we lost one in the thaw.

I am trying to take it easy but this whole "try not to think about it" mantra makes it difficult. I keep getting up and doing things instead of just sitting around. Then we got hit with this wind and rainstorm (the worst only lasted like 10 minutes). There was tons of damage to both cars and trees. We had some dents and paint chips and then a cracked windshield. Oh well, the military's fault (most of the damage was from roof tiles). A little stressful and hard to completely take it easy.

Oh, did take video this time but all 3 seemed to bunch together so they are very hard to see. But I will add a picture of the 3. They were a 5 cell Type B, 4 cell Type A, and a 4 cell Type B. I think that might be pretty good for a 2 day transfer. We also did assisted hatching so hopefully that helps. Look for the arrow on the picture, that is where they opened up the embryo's shell.

Okay, enough for now. Blood test is the 14th of July. That would be a great early anniversary present!

Again, sorry little ones, you did not make it. So sorry that we did not get the chance to meet you. I pray that some of your siblings will stick around for us to know.

Trying Not To Think About It...

Well, my FET is scheduled for next Wednesday. I have an appointment on Monday to check my levels and make sure that I am on track.
The biggest change this time is that I am trying not to think too much about this. Not putting too much stock into this working. I know that must sound weird, but that is where I am emotionally. I have to get to a place emotionally that I do not feel like my life is over if this never works. Of course I still want a baby, but I need to be able to live without one as well.
I also know that this cycle I will not be feeling anything physical. With the IVF cycle, I at least was able to feel the stimulation. This time I will not feel anything. So, hopefully I won't have too much to get attached too, except for those pictures of the embryos.
I am also very scared of the idea of putting 3 back and doing Assisted Hatching which could give us identical twins. I am scared of one now, much less 3 or more.
Not sure what to feel or think these days, so trying to think about nothing at all........

These Patches Suck!

Estrogen patches are horrible. I am so tired of them. Most people tell me that they believe they are better than the shots, but I disagree. I would rather be doing the shots. They were much easier than having to wear these stupid patches.
They itch, they leave a sticky residue, and they slip if I sweat. The worst part is when Barry takes the old ones off and puts the new ones on. The old spots burn and itch so badly. And they get really red. And finding to find new spots on my back for 4 patches every couple days is not easy.

Appointment From Monday...

I know I am behind on posting about my last appointment, so here it is:
Nothing really exciting from the appointment. Started the patches today and next appointment is the 30th. As long as everything goes well, we will be doing FET (frozen embryo transfer) on the 2nd of July. No 4th celebrations for me this year, boo.
We did have a little bit of a shock. It seems that maybe the idea that we would save money by doing this here might have been a little off. We got a bill today for everything so far and we owe them just short of 5000 Euro. With the exchange rate being as horrible as it is right now, it is a whole lot of money. But we really can't do anything about that now, we already had that stuff done. Turns out that we did not get near enough when we got the loan. So now we are having to go back and see what we can do about adding more to the loan or getting another one. So, of course, Barry is kind of upset at the money aspect. I feel bad because if I could just get pregnant on my own, we could have everything paid for.
So please pray that everything works out. We are planning to get enough to do 3 FETs as well, hopefully we won't have to use it all. But it looks like because we need more $$, we won't be able to do anything special for our 10th anniversary and I probably won't get my Italy trip while we still live here. It is really hard when you know how bad you want a child, but also want to do things (trips, stuff, etc).
But that is it for me. Hopefully things will fall into place.

Are You Kidding Me????

I just wanted to post on what happened at my appointment. Wednesday night I had some bleeding, so I emailed the clinic so that they would get it first thing in the morning. I wanted to know if this should count as Day 1. They wrote back and said yes and they told me that they wanted me to come in on Friday morning at 9am. Only problem was we had to go pick up a new couple at the airport 2 hours away this morning and the clinic closes at 1pm. So, they asked if we could come sometime before 5pm yesterday. I called Barry at work and they needed to decide which day they wanted to give up, him leaving a little early or not going to pick up the new guy. So they let him go.
So we get to the appointment (45 minute drive to like 1.5 hours) and then the doctor calls us in and we talk about the next cycle. I tell him that I had some bleeding, but not much since then. He gives me the plan of doing the estrogen patches and then right before and after FET I have to do progesterone suppository thingies (look like little gumballs, lol). And he shocked us with the idea that he plans on putting 3 back this time! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! And it looks like we will do the assisted hatching too. It worried me, not only about the number, but also how low the % chance is of it working for a FET as opposed to a fresh cycle. They did say that if one did not make it through the thaw, they will defrost another and then the first 2 would be a 3 day transfer and the one would be a 2 day. So I guess we will have to wait and see.
SO, then i go in for my u/s and the doc has this strange look on his face. I am freaking out because I think it is something really bad, especially when he calls in the other lady to tell her something in German. I look at her and said, What? The doc said that the bleeding was not my period. I asked the lady what that meant. She gave me a sheepish look and said that I might still be pregnant. WHAT?!?!?!?!? They said my lining was still too thick for this to be my period and that they would need to do some b/w to find out. So they drew blood and told me to call at 130 today.
So, we decided that we would just go on as we were and if they said positive then wonderful, but we were not counting on it at all. Today we went and picked up the new people and showed them around and help them with stuff. Late in the afternoon, Barry turns to me and asks me if I called the clinic at 130. Of course, he knows I forgot seeing that it was 230 at the time. So I tried calling the clinic just in case, but they were gone. I called our machine and they had left a message. She never actually said anything about a beta or anything, but she said that if I had starting bleeding more, I could start the patches tomorrow like he had planned and come in for an appointment on the 24th of June. They said if I had not started, then I would need to wait and let them know when I did. So, we believe it was still negative and that is what we are going with. It would have been an interesting story to tell, but oh well.

Why Expect Anything Different....

Well, I don't know why I expected a positive test. I guess I really just hoped it would all work out. But, it didn't. I had already taken 2 tests this weekend and they were both negative, so I figured it was not good. Barry was still hopeful. He kept telling me that he believed this was it, that what we had waited for for 7 years would finally happen. We got to the clinic and waited (as usual). Finally we talked to the doctor who explained that this weekend had been too early to test, so it might not actual be negative. And he said that the cramping I had been having was normal. They took blood and told us to call at 4pm and they would have the results. I told the nurses about my suspicions that it was negative and they told me that they really thought that it had worked. We left the clinic a little more hopeful than when we got there.
We decided that we would go to Ramstein and Vogelweh to go do some shopping. That way we could pass the day away without having to sit at home and think about the test all day. We were able to eat and shop and talk about baby stuff and actually felt a little hopeful. At 330, I had enough waiting so we called the clinic from the car. The first thing the lady said was "you were right, it was negative." I was destroyed. Even though I had some idea, it was still hard. We sat there and I cried for awhile. We drove home and I cried the majority of the way. Calling the moms and telling them was really difficult. I don't want them to feel bad towards me because I feel like a failure.
But anyway, the doctor told us what we will do for the next cycle. As soon as the cycle starts, I have to go back to the clinic between days 2-4. Then I will have to use the estrogen patches and within 2 weeks we will be doing a Frozen Embryo Transfer. If this next one does not work, we will have to wait until September when Barry comes back from school. I guess I just don't know what will happen, but I am trying to remain hopeful and try to have faith.

Okay, I Admit It....

I had to post about this new Proluton (progesterone) shots. When we were at the clinic for the transfer, the nurse gave me my first shot. It was nothing. Did not hurt at all, not the shot, not the meds. But yesterday, Barry gave me the shot. This time, the shot hurt a little, but it was the meds that hurt A LOT! More after the shot was over. My poor butt is so sore from that stupid shot. I have to sit on my right side now since it is so sore. No bruising yet, so that is good.

As far as the 2WW, I am having a rough time keeping positive. Any symptoms that I thought I might have had seem to be gone now. So, of course, I am concerned that this did not work. I am still staying at home and not doing too much. They said ten days without strenuous activity. I might venture out of the house by the middle of the week or at 7 days post transfer. Barry is going stir crazy staying in the house. I am fine most of the time, but he is going crazy staying home.

Look At The Babies On This Video!

Look for the little white spots!

We Are Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!

Thanks Virgie for the title, hopefully that is okay that I used that. I just believe that is a great way to put it.

Today was interesting. Our appointment was later than usual so we were at least awake for it. We gave ourselves plenty of time to get there, so we ended up almost a half hour early. I was shocked when they took me back to the room early, but that ended when I ended up back in the "holding room" to sit on a bed until they were ready for me. This time, there were 2 women ahead of me so I knew it would be awhile (and I left my book in the waiting room with Barry). After over an hour, it was my turn. I went into the procedure room and noticed the torture chair again. I showed Barry what I was talking about and he laughed.

Finally we were under way. It took a while to get everything done, but not too bad. I kept getting worried that something was wrong because they kept stopping and waiting. Freaked me out. So, in the end, we transferred 2 embryos. The first was a 4 cell type A and the other was a 3 cell type B. This was after only 2 days. They did say that this is how they always do it, so we have to believe they know what they are doing. It helped that Barry saw a couple come in with their baby to show the doctor. At least we know it does work.

So, they explained that my blood test is on June 9th. And they gave me a new shot to do, but only every couple days. It was not too bad.

I did ask if I had to be on strict bed rest today and they said no, just don't do anything strenuous, but I have given in and told Barry that I will stay in bed at least "most" of today. Then I will go to the couch and just veg from there. I am completely a mess though right now. Everything I do I think is going to make the babies fall out. From peeing to walking up the stairs to our place. And then to have to wait so long to find out for sure....we are going to go nuts!

Oh, Barry made me wear blue today so we could send good boy vibes. When I told the biologist, she said that statistics show that most IVF babies are girls. Guess we will see, lol.

Sorry little ones, you did not make it. So sorry that we did not get the chance to meet you. I pray that some of your siblings will stick around for us to know.

How Many????

Well, first of all, I am feeling much better today. Still a little sore, but all in all, a lot better than last night. I was fine as long as I sat upright, so it was easy to stay up late. When I finally went to bed, it was painful, and I realized that we would hear the fertilization report in the morning. I got really nervous, but I must have been really tired because it did not last too long.

SO......................................

We just got the call from the clinic. Out of 13 mature eggs, 13 fertilized!!!!! They said that they did ICSI (sperm injection) with all of them. They have picked the 2 that they believe have the best chance of implanting and will put those back tomorrow (Thursday the 29th). They said that they believe that we will have 9 to freeze. They said that they would give us a picture tomorrow and that Barry can not only be in the room, but video the procedure too. Yippee!!!
She said to be there at 1145am and there are no special instructions. I can eat and drink all I want.

Our Babies Are Being Conceived Today!!!!

Well, all went well today. Really sore and no good pain meds like some other people, but doing okay.
I was still very nervous about the messed up trigger shot. And then I had to go to bed at 10pm so that I could make it from then to 9am without eating or drinking anything. Anyone who knows me knows how crazy it is for me to go to bed that early. It drove me crazy. So, I was sore, hungry, thirsty, and not tired at all when I went to bed last night. Not to mention freaked out about the retrieval. I ended up getting a couple hours of sleep and that was all.
We got to the clinic at 815 (I was supposed to be there at 830 for my 9am "surgery"). They told me to use the restroom and then someone would take me back. I did and then went to the waiting room with Barry. Finally, after a while of no one showing up, I walked to the desk to ask what I should do. Apparently, they were still waiting for me. So, she took me to a small room and gave me sandals to wear and a place to put my clothes. So, I changed and went into the next room. There were 4 beds and another lady had just finished her procedure, so I was in number 2. The anesthesiologist came and went over the form I had to sign and put in the IV needle. And then I waited. Finally they came and got me. I had to get into a normal GYN chair (at least normal here, not just a table) and then they told me to put my legs up on this contraption. Think sitting in a chair and then putting your legs on things above your head. Then they strapped me in. The anesthesiologist told me that he was starting the meds and that it would be burn as it went up my arm. As it got to the top, everything faded.
I woke up a little while later feeling a little groggy and a little sore. Once I grabbed my glasses, I realized that it was only 10am. This meant that I still had at least another hour to wait and nothing to do. Hubbies can not come in there for the privacy of the other patients, so I was really bored. To explain how bored I was, I spent the majority of the time watching the bottle of saline drop into my IV. Toward the end, I realized that by turning my hand a certain way, I could slow, stop, or speed up my IV. LOL
Finally a lady came in to tell us all about our egg reports. They were all in German so I could not understand their results. She told me that I had 13 eggs, 12 mature and the other might mature. They said they will call tomorrow with the fertilization results and we will set up a time for the transfer. Then she told me about the different meds I needed to start today.
Turns out that the only pain meds that they gave me were when I was asleep after the surgery. I am in some pain now, especially when I try to get out of a chair. I have tried to just veg on the couch this evening and relax. Some things are much more difficult to do right now. Hopefully this will ease soon. I don't know how people with tons of eggs do this if I am this sore after 13.
So, I will update in the morning once we know about the fertilization report. Hopefully we have something to use. Of course I am so worried that we won't. Oh, by the way, the trigger shot worked just fine, LOL.

Worried....

I just did my trigger shot. When I went to fill the syringe, I noticed there was a bubble at the top of it. When I tried to move the syringe forward, it was sticky, and some of the meds shot out. I am now freaking out that I am for sure not going to get enough meds. One side had a full dose and the other side was almost .2 less than that. What if I messed up the whole process because of the last shot? I just don't know what to do. To go through this whole thing and then to mess up on the last one? Barry says that I should not freak out about it, but it is hard not to when they kept saying how important this one shot is. I hope I did not screw up.

We Have Eggs!!!!

Well, today was our last stimulation check. We knew from the last appointment on Monday that we had some growing, and we knew from the pains that they must be getting bigger. So, we went in for the u/s (it really hurt this time) and were pleasantly surprised that we had 12 EGGS!!!! Yep, we have 6 on each side and they are measuring between 13 and 18 mm. From what I could tell, the doctor was pleasantly surprised as well. I really have started to think that this clinic is more about quality than quantity which I think is a pretty good thing. I just want to have some still available just in case this does not work.
So, after the u/s, we went back into the office and discussed the protocol for the rest of the process. Since I am completely out of Puregon, they are having me take the Menopur that we have not used yet. I will take 4 vials today and 3 tomorrow along with the Decapeptyl that I already take in the morning. Should be interesting because I hear that Menopur really burns and I would imagine so since they said to only use one vial of liquid for 4 vials of meds. So, I will do this today and tomorrow, and then Sunday night I will do the trigger shot (at 11pm) to help with the releasing of my eggs (1 shot in my left side and 1 shot in my right side). Then I will go in Tuesday morning for the retrieval. They told me that I should bring a big t-shirt and socks. I guess knowing the German clinics, if I forget, I will be laying there naked, lol.
The funny thing is that what worries me the most (after whether any embryos will make it) is the fact that I can not drink anything after 10pm Monday night. I will go crazy. Guess somebody is going to bed early that night. Grrrrrrrrrrr.......

Ouch.....

Well, the eggs are definitely growing. Last night was the first time I could really feel them. Up until this point, I was worried that I might not get any. I have been so worried that I am not getting enough meds each time, especially when I run out during an injection. But now, in addition to my bruised tummy, I have really sore ovaries. It hurts to do a lot of things; sitting, sleeping on your side, going to the bathroom, walking up stairs, deep breathing, etc.
Ouch......

Starting To Feel Like A Pin Cushion.....

I am starting to feel like a pin cushion. I have 16 holes in my tummy. They just recently starting bruising too. So, now giving a shot in the general area is quite painful. The one side is worse than the other. One hurts to get the shot and one hurts more after the shot. This morning's shot was the first time I actually hesitated when I went to put the needle into my skin. It kind of hurt. Wow, who would have thought that I would be doing this. Anyone who knows me knows I am quite the wuss. I am just thankful that so far I have not had to do THREE shots a day and only do two.

A Good Report.....I Think.....

Well, we had our stimulation check today. It was my first since starting the actual stim med Puregon. The appointment was at 7:45am so we had to leave really early and the traffic was still horrible. But we made it with time to spare. Thinking we would be some of the first there since they only opened at 7:30am, we were surprised to see a full waiting room. After sitting there for a little while in the waiting room, they actually came and got me to do my b/w before my appointment (normally I do it after). The poor nurse who normally draws my blood and gets it on the first try could not find a vein. She was embarrassed after all the praise I had given her in the past. I think it was just because she forgot to use the butterfly needle. Another lady had to come in and do it, but even she had trouble today. After that, we went back out into the waiting room until we were called into the office. He told me to stop the mini dose of aspirin after Thursday and no "sexy time" after Thursday as well (I never can quite understand the doctor and I just write what I thought he said, lol). Then he did an u/s and it was interesting that we could see some eggs growing. Not as many as I would like but it is just the beginning. He would not even tell me how many and said that he would be able to tell me more on Friday. So, we left after being told to call at 4pm.
Just called the clinic, and they told me to keep doing 350IU of Puregon with my other shot. I am so freaked that I am going to run out and that it will mess up the whole cycle. Very frustrating. I did ask the lady if things at least looked good. She said yes, that there were 6 egg cells growing. But to me, that sounds really low of a number. Is it just cause it is early? Or am I really just making a few eggs? I know you only need one, but I am now worried that we will not have any that are good.

Scared That I Messed Up...

My doctor told me that, although the vial says that there is only 600IU in it, it actually has 700IU. So, I was trusting him. The first vial worked that way, 2 exact 350IU doses. Then today when I was doing my Puregon shot (2nd one from the vial), I got to the little line right before the zero. I did not know what to do. Do you put in a new vial just for one click of the pen or do you just not do anything? Barry talked me into not doing anything. But now I am completely freaked out that I messed up completely. What if this "mistake" messes everything up and I don't get any eggs because of this? I am totally freaking out and nothing is making me feel better so far. It is too late to do anything about this shot today. I will have to ask at my appointment tomorrow.

Puregon.....

The Puregon was fairly easy to do. I am a little concerned that I did it so early. It may make some things a little more difficult, but we will have to figure it out. They told me to do it in the "evening." So, I felt that 6pm was a good time, but then I found out that I could have done it any time between 6 and 11pm. I would have done it later so that it would have been more convenient for us. Oh well, now I have to stick with the 6pm. Might have to take it in a cooler if we go somewhere.
As for the shot itself, it went okay. The needle seems a little bigger than the Decapeptyl needles, but still did not hurt. You have to use a little more effort to push in the button than I do with the syringes, but I got it. The only thing that bothered me was that my stomach is pretty sore in the area where I gave the shot. It will be interesting to see if it is like that every time.
One down.....

The clinic....

I have meant to take pictures and post about this clinic for awhile now, but I kept forgetting the camera. I finally remembered today so we got some pictures. The yellow building is where the clinic is. You have to take an elevator to the top floor of that building and just in that section is the clinic. I don't believe it even goes any further in the building than the picture that I will add. Just the top floor of this section. It seemed crazy to me that everything you need for the IVF process is done in this one little office. They do everything here, from office visits, to lab work, to the actual fertilization. Sometimes I am in awe of the way the Germans do things.

Starting Stimulation Meds...

Well, I had my suppression appointment today. The doc called us in to the office and asked me if I had "my woman's day." I asked him WHAT? Barry figured out he was talking about my period. Oh. yeah. okay. So I went in for the u/s. I never seem to learn much from them because the doctor moves the wand one way and then the other way and says, "good." I guess as long as he says that I will be okay, lol. So, we go back into the office and he tells me about my new drug protocol. Add 350IU of Puregon and 1 vial of Menopur to my 1 vial of Decapeptyl. The Puregon is every evening until I go back and get rechecked and the Menopur was every other morning. Then I had some b/w done and we scheduled our next appointments, Monday and Friday next week. Barry was thrilled because he has plans to go golfing next Thursday morning. They told us to call at 4pm and check to make sure nothing had changed.
SO............
I called the clinic at 4pm and they told me that after my b/w, they have decided that I should not take the Menopur at this time. Just the Puregon. They will recheck me on Monday and see how I am progressing. I assume they just don't want to overstimulate me right now, but they don't ever seem to explain much of anything to me. So, until further notice, I will do one vial Decapeptyl in the morning and 350IU Puregon in the evening. That Puregon pen will be heaven after having to mix the others. So, this is what we will do for now and see what they think on Monday.

Doing Shots Alone...

Well, I accomplished my first shot alone today. It was not an easy task. I seemed to have blanked on everything that Barry went over with me the other two days. Really frustrating. I had no problem sucking up the liquid or mixing them together, but I just could not quite get the bubble out without losing some of the liquid. Then I realized that I was trying to get the bubble out of the liquid before mixing. So I mixed them and had to worry about the bubble again. Finally got it right but the shot burned a little more this time. They seem to get worse as I go along. Hmmm...wonder if that is a sign of things to come.
I have three days (counting today) until my suppression appointment. But then we will be hopefully (lol) adding 2 more shots. Should be interesting, to say the least.

One Shot Down....Many To Go

Well, today I administered my first shot of Decapeptyl. I was pretty freaked out all last night leading up to this morning's shot. I did not sleep well leading up to it. We decided to do the shot at the same time we give our dog his medicine. So we got up and started to get this meds together. The mixing was no problem, but when we tried to suck up all the liquid, the needle just did not reach everything. I was so freaked out that I was not getting the right amount of the meds. But Barry talked me down from the ledge, lol. Then when we were trying to make sure the meds were all the way to the end of syringe with no bubbles, I pushed the plunger too far and some of the meds came out into the needle cap. Again, I freaked out that I was not getting the right amount. Then we got to the point where I needed to give myself the shot. I was nervous about doing it but then just went for it. It was nothing. I left the needle in for the 5 seconds after but still had a drop come back out. Oh well, thank goodness I have heard about this happening to other people, that way I did not freak out too much.
So we will do this again tomorrow and the next day and the next day......I am very thankful that Barry was here to help me for the first couple, MAYBE I won't freak out too much when I have to do it on my own.

Day 17 Appointment!!!

Yeah, I never thought this day would ever arrive. We still have not heard anything about whether Barry will have to go away, but we went to the appointment anyway. We sat in the waiting room forever. At first I thought maybe it was because of the fact that the clinic has not received the payment that our insurance sent to them, but we finally got in to see the doctor. He told us we would do ICSI on some of the eggs and regular IVF on some as long as we had plenty to do that with. Then I got "violated" again with the internal ultrasound. Doc said all looked good. We went to another room and our friend the biologist (the only one who speaks decent English) explained the shots to us. The Decapeptyl shots seem pretty easy. They said they will explain the others when we come back again. Oh, I START MY SUPPRESSION MEDS ON SATURDAY!!!!! Then we went over some of the papers that we did not quite understand. We signed everything and then they took some more blood. I have to call in the morning to find out how the levels were. So, it looks like I take my last bcp tomorrow night! They also gave me another script for folic acid, baby aspirin, and a steroid. I need to ask about when to take those when I call tomorrow morning.
But as of now, suppression appointment next Thursday, and ER 5/27, ET 5/29. WE HAVE DATES!!!! WOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!!

What a Difference a Day Makes....

Well, the reason it has taken me so long to update is because we ran into a "not so little snag". One day we get my medicines and am excited, and the next day we find out that Barry might not even be here to do the process. The Air Force wants him to go to school at the beginning of June. That would be really bad for us. Barry put in a letter to try to push off school until later, but we are still waiting to hear back from them. It is making it up the chain apparently, but we still have not heard for sure.
I was devastated when we first heard about this. To wait this long, to take almost all of the bcps, and to get this far, I would have a hard time waiting again. For now, we are going forward until we know otherwise.

Getting the Meds....

Well, this past Monday we went to Luxembourg to pick up my meds. It was not near as overwhelming as I had expected. We had brought our big cooler thinking there was a lot to pick up, but we were surprised when there was not much. And it turned out that they told us only the Puregon needed to be in the fridge. So, we left there with a bag full of meds, syringes, and needles. I took them home and then went and bought a tool box to organize everything.

So, as promised, here are my meds...

So Many Prescriptions...

Well, I just thought I would share my stack of prescriptions with everyone. Never had this many at one time. I have put in the order with the pharmacy in Luxembourg (yes, the country, lol) and we plan to go pick them up on Monday. I will definitely put in a new post after we pick them up so you can all see what I got!

It is Day 10 today and I am feeling much better. The bleeding has seemed to stop (for now), so hopefully it is done. We have our appointment to learn about the shots next Thursday. We have to pay up front for the ICSI that day as well.

Oh, speaking of money, we went and got our loan on Monday so that we can pay for all of this. We were happy that at least that went off without a hitch.

I do just want to say that a friend had a great ET the other day. Please keep her in your prayers.

I will post once we get the meds, until then....

Update....I just found out today when going over my paperwork that there are more meds that I will need to be taking as well as the prescriptions above. I need Folic Acid, Baby Aspirin, and Dexamethason (a steroid, which seemed strange to me). I am going to email the clinic and then ask again on Thursday when we go to our appointment.

Day 1 is finally here....

Well, after a couple confusing days of not starting when I was sure that I should have, I believe I have finally started. Then I got confused as to which day I should take the first pill. But after some help from some other people, I have decided to go ahead and take it today even though it is 7pm here. I will call the clinic tomorrow to set up my next appointment and they can tell me how to change it if need be.

So here goes nothing.

Still Waiting.....

Why is that since I started getting a monthly cycle when I was nine years old it has come almost like clockwork every month? And now, the most important cycle of them all and I am 3 days late. It is driving me insane. Barry keeps telling me that it is a good thing, but I have tested 2x and both were BFN. I am not going to test again until it has been a week. We are continuing with the other things we need to get done to get this show on the road, just in case we are still moving forward with IVF. Today we have an appointment to get all the clinic paperwork translated into English so that we understand it before we sign.
I prayed last night and told God that I was okay either way. Getting pregnant on my own or having my cycle start. I am fine, just want to know what is happening so we can get moving either way. I am not expecting to be pregnant on my own so I am certainly not getting my hopes up. But it would be nice.

Going Crazy, Don't You Want to Come Along?

I am so scared about all of this. There are so many worries in my mind right now. Just to name a few: scared about giving myself shots, scared this won't work, scared about actually getting pregnant, scared about miscarriages, scared about having a baby, and totally scared that I won't be a good mother. I know, I know, I can hear my mom right now thinking that I should not be worried about all that stuff, especially right now since most of those things are still far off. I just can't seem to get it all out of my head. A friend told me that once I get started with this process that I will get more excited, but I just feel like I will never get fully excited. I am a worry-wart. I don't know how to not worry. I guess after 7 years, it is hard to get positive.
I also am feeling alone in this process as well. Thank goodness I have you ladies to talk with. Lately my hubby keeps telling me that this is all I ever talk about. But I feel I need to talk about it to get through it. I want him to be involved in the whole process from start to finish. I want him to get excited and positive so that i can feel excited and positive too. Like my hubby said to me the other day, this is one of the hard parts about having to be so far away from family and friends. I miss being able to go do things with my family to get my mind off of this or just be able to sit and cry it out with my mom. The phone is just not the same. I never thought I would be going through this stuff at all, much less is another country.
Believe me, I know my husband loves me. I think he is just a little scared as well. He does tell me that he wants this as well. I told him that if it was not something we both wanted to do, then I would not be planning to go through all of this.
I don't know if I am still in shock about this whole process or what? I can seem to wrap my head around this whole thing. I hope that changes soon. I want to feel happy and excited. Hopefully you will all pray for me that I will stop feeling so scared and negative and start feeling excited and positive.

Who would have thought????

Who would have thought I would be sitting here begging for AF to show up? I have been feeling crampy all week, but nothing is happening. Today is actually the day I was expecting it to start, so I should not be so crazy about this yet. Every extra second that I have to wait to get started makes me feel crazy and frustrated. Barry keeps saying that we don't want it to actually start because he still has some hope that I will get pregnant on my own. But when I brought that up a couple weeks ago, he told me that he did not think that would really happen after all of this time of trying.
Hopefully news soon....

The Beginning of the Journey

Well, I am going to try my hand at this blog thing to keep a record of all that we are about to go through. But to get into that, I have to start at the beginning. Barry and I were married almost ten years ago in 1998. I was ready to have a baby right away, but my hubby was not. I was okay with that. After barry's first trip to Saudi Arabia in 2001, he told me that he was ready to start trying. I was ecstatic. So we tried, and tried, and tried some more.
Finally, after many doctors telling us that we were both healthy and young, one doctor told me that I might have PCOS. They did tests, and while I did not have any cysts, I did have a glucose intolerance. I went on metformin and tried some more. Still nothing. By this point it is 2005. The doctor decided to order an HSG where they shoot fluid into your fallopian tubes to see if they are blocked. One was completely blocked and the other was blocked but supposedly unblocked during the procedure. So, we thought we had a good chance.
Then we got orders to Germany and things got put on hold. I went to the OB/GYN on base and they decided to start me on clomid. Barry got tested and all was fine. I tried the clomid, bought OPKs, and even spent the money on the Clear Blue Easy Monitor that you see on TV. Still nothing. During the time that I was wasting time on Clomid, the OB closed down on base. So, they decided to send me to a specialist.
My appointment with the specialist was November 5, 2007. I think it will be a long time before I forget that day. We were feeling kind of strange anyway because no one spoke English. We were uncomfortable. When we finally got into the doctor's office, he proceeded to tell us that he believed that the only option for us was IVF. I was shocked because I was expecting a surgery to open my tubes and then shots or something like that. But to go straight to the IVF, that freaked me out. But the doctor suggested that we should bypass the bad parts (my tubes) and do the IVF.
I had a hard time with all of this. And then I started to feel better, and we started to plan to start the IVF process. We were going to do it in December 2007. But then Barry had to go to Iraq for 2 months. So we had to put everything off.
But now we are getting close again. Any day now and I will be starting the birth control pills to get this show on the road. Who would have thought that I would have to take bcps to get pregnant. Really weird. But whatever it takes, right?
Until then.......