Sorry I Am Behind...

Well, let me try to catch you all up:
On July 21st, we had our appointment to get started on the next cycle. Everything is the same (patches, folic acid, mini aspirin, and steroid) until FET and then I will more than likely do the HcG shots and PIO. The only difference is that they are adding another shot called Clexane. Supposedly it is used for if your blood is too thick (the docs words). I guess nothing else has worked, worth a try.
As of right now, FET is August 6
We did discuss with the doc that this will be our last one at this clinic. We will look into it more when we get back to the states next year.

God's Timing Is Perfect, But Will He Ever Think It Is My Time?

Well, I had my b/w done at 3pm here and they said to call them at 5. They all seemed so positive when I told them about the spotting.
I called them back at 5 and the lady told me that they had not gone over the test results with the doctor yet, so could I call back in 30 minutes. I begged her to tell me the results, and she finally told me that it was BFN. They did want me to call back anyway to see what the doctor had to say. When I called back, they said that it was less than 1. So NEGATIVE. I tried to ask her what could be going so wrong every time? She told me that it could be 1)that I have a problem with Barry's cells (like an allergy) - I would have thought that it would have impeded fertilization if that was the case, 2)a genetic problem (which they don't suspect), or 3)just a natural thing. They said that there is a test to find out if I am allergic to him but they said it is really expensive. So, we will have to talk with the doctor about it. I guess we will see.
Then we are getting ready to have to start the next cycle. So, as soon as my period shows up, I will get going again. I am not sure how much longer I can do this (financially, physically, or emotionally). It sure takes a major toll on me.

Dread....

That is the only emotion that I feel as we approach the date of our latest blood test to check and see if this cycle worked. I can't seem to find any other emotion to describe what I am going through. Every time I am hopeful, my hopes just get dashed in the end, so why waste it. As I sit here typing this, I am tearing up because I wish so much that I could be hopeful and get excited. Everyone keeps saying how excited they are about my blood test and how they can't wait for Monday to get here. I CAN. Sometimes I wish I could just sit inside my little bubble of ignorance and just believe that I am pregnant.
Why can't I just be normal and oops get pregnant? Most of the time I think I would be a good mother. I know Barry would be a good father. So why do we not get the chance? Little kids and druggies get pregnant all the time, but we have been trying for 7 years and nothing.
This next Friday will be our 10th anniversary and I never thought we would see it without having kids in our lives. I feel sad and horrible that I am broken and just can't do the one main thing that a woman was made to do....have kids.

No Good Feelings...

I just can't put my finger on why, but I just can't be hopeful about this anymore. From the moment we left the clinic, I kept forgetting that I was supposed to be taking it easy. Then we had the storm and its aftermath, and there was no way I could not go out on the balcony and try to see what had happened. Ever since then, I have had a very difficult time staying still. We missed the party for the 4th of July. I hated that.
I have been trying to not put any faith in this whole cycle. Even after this, I can not help but want this to work. That is the hard part. How can you hope that it works, but not have faith that it can work? That is where I am having the hardest time. I just don't want to get attached to anything. Is this wrong? I just feel like I am not as hopeful any more. I have lost that. How do I feel that again?

Take Two.....

Well, today was the FET. We have got to stop showing up so early for these appointments. We keep getting there way too early and end up sitting in the car reading for almost an hour. When we finally went in, it was not long before they called me back to the room. I remembered my book this time so I was not as bored. I was hot in there though. It was almost 90 degrees today and these buildings do not have air conditioning. Finally a little while later, I was called into the room. They went to get Barry and I got into the "torture chair." It all seemed to go so much faster this time, maybe since we knew what would happen. While we waited, they showed us the 3 they would put back. They kept saying they were beautiful (I later asked what the difference was between these and the first cycle and they told me that there was no difference). ARGH! They put them in and that was that. They gave me the new protocol for the 2WW and I went to the recovery room again and had to wait 20 minutes. While I was waiting, the lady came in and told me about different meds I needed. Turns out that I have to do an HCG shot for a couple days so that the pregnancy hormone is in my body like it would be naturally. Confused, but okay. And I have to do the progesterone shot again. Other than that, everything is pretty much the same as before. We only have 5 left because we lost one in the thaw.

I am trying to take it easy but this whole "try not to think about it" mantra makes it difficult. I keep getting up and doing things instead of just sitting around. Then we got hit with this wind and rainstorm (the worst only lasted like 10 minutes). There was tons of damage to both cars and trees. We had some dents and paint chips and then a cracked windshield. Oh well, the military's fault (most of the damage was from roof tiles). A little stressful and hard to completely take it easy.

Oh, did take video this time but all 3 seemed to bunch together so they are very hard to see. But I will add a picture of the 3. They were a 5 cell Type B, 4 cell Type A, and a 4 cell Type B. I think that might be pretty good for a 2 day transfer. We also did assisted hatching so hopefully that helps. Look for the arrow on the picture, that is where they opened up the embryo's shell.

Okay, enough for now. Blood test is the 14th of July. That would be a great early anniversary present!

Again, sorry little ones, you did not make it. So sorry that we did not get the chance to meet you. I pray that some of your siblings will stick around for us to know.